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You know how in a movie (uh, and also in real life) you think a character is one way and then something happens and they’re completely different? Like you thought someone was really smart until she walked up the stairs to explore despite repeated armchair warnings and the appearance of ominous music? And then you realize she’s not smart at all; she’s just the token idiot hot chick whose death will make her friends more wary of splitting up to search for crap.

But my point is that disasters truly test people. Do they keep cool? Do they get all suicidal? Do they have a plan? Are they willing to go to great lengths to help others? Will they refuse to shoot the zombie because it used to be their friend? These are all very important pieces of information when choosing the company you keep. This is why I think it would be neat to have a zombie outbreak.

Now in all seriousness, I know that I would probably die a horrible death in the event of a situation like that. But I’d like to think I went down knowing a bit more about my friends and family. It would be like the Joker said in The Dark Knight– something about ‘I killed many of your friends; do you want to know which ones were cowards?’. Yes, I would like to know. I’d like to know if I had a friend who would chain up his baby mama and help her give birth to a little zombie just because he couldn’t get a grip and realize she would kill him if he was ever within neck-biting range. I’d like to know if my friend would risk undeath to try to save a stray dog since she needed to latch onto anything that would give affection because she was so fucked up from knowing her dad got shot in the head after he became a zombie. I’m not sure I’d like to know if a friend thought the only way to bounce back from all the undeath and destruction was to rape and impregnate healthy women so we could start rebuilding the world, but I suppose the truth would still be preferable to lies.

I can already think of some people that would perform well under the pressure of getting eaten, which is promising. I’d like to think I would be level-headed enough to not jeopardize the group by hiding a small bite I received from a chomping brain-eater (and that I’d be terrifically accurate with a sniper rifle on the roof, but I would hate for you to find out I can’t shoot for shit when zombies started to swarm). I can also think of a few friends I’d accidentally forget to invite to the fortified shelter, but I guess there would be no time like crunch time for them to figure out I didn’t like them that much anyway.

I’m thinking of a word: it has four letters and gets people’s undies in a bunch.

It’s not “shit”.

It’s not “damn”.

It’s not “fuck”. But it does start with “f”.

Give up? “FREE”! In fact, “free” can make people use all three of the above-mentioned words at once.

“Free shit? Damn!”

Everybody loves free shit. If you can buy one and get one free, or get one free when you spend $20, or get one free after you buy 10, or if it’s just completely free with no obligation whatsoever, people will run to get it. I don’t even want to get my credit history analyzed, but every time I hear the commercial for Freecreditreport.com I get a little squirmy. I’ll eat a free sample of something I would never ever eat otherwise, just because I don’t have to pay for it. Last week, a friend and I went to see a concert we would’ve gladly paid to see (we’re big fans of the headliner), and we could hardly get a place to sit because of all the free concert-goers. And at the Chinese food place near where I live they’re offering a free frisbee when you order food for delivery.

Giving away free stuff is a great way to get attention so long as the free thing isn’t worth more than the money-making entity can afford. For instance, a hooker offering free blow jobs if you promise to become a regular John would be a risky venture. She (or he) would just end up with a tired mouth and an empty wallet. Maybe if the old professional offered a free frisbee with purchase of a blow job… But now I’m just rambling.

And it doesn’t even have to be completely free. Any sort of discount is also good. I get the emails from Borders offering 15-40% for something when you spend $20. If I don’t delete it and try to forget, I will be in my car faster than the ink on the print-out coupon can dry. I don’t need any more books! I have so many on my list to read already that I wouldn’t get to any new books for nearly a year! But just the same, I need to all but restrain myself so I don’t spend money on a discounted book. And then I feel at a loss because I didn’t buy anything. No wonder stores do that crap: it works like a charm.

Or there are things that require a commitment of four to six years of your life and you get things in return like money for school or trips to the desert. This cornucopia of bonuses is called the military. The bonuses vary among the branches, ranging from a frisbee to a blow job (metaphorically speaking, of course), so choose wisely.

All that being said, all readers of Titty Tangents will now get a free subliminal message with every new post.