The most powerful four-letter word

Posted by Beth Dylan on Aug 9, 2008 in Blog, Contemplation | 1 comment

I’m thinking of a word: it has four letters and gets people’s undies in a bunch.

It’s not “shit”.

It’s not “damn”.

It’s not “fuck”. But it does start with “f”.

Give up? “FREE”! In fact, “free” can make people use all three of the above-mentioned words at once.

“Free shit? Damn!”

Everybody loves free shit. If you can buy one and get one free, or get one free when you spend $20, or get one free after you buy 10, or if it’s just completely free with no obligation whatsoever, people will run to get it. I don’t even want to get my credit history analyzed, but every time I hear the commercial for Freecreditreport.com I get a little squirmy. I’ll eat a free sample of something I would never ever eat otherwise, just because I don’t have to pay for it. Last week, a friend and I went to see a concert we would’ve gladly paid to see (we’re big fans of the headliner), and we could hardly get a place to sit because of all the free concert-goers. And at the Chinese food place near where I live they’re offering a free frisbee when you order food for delivery.

Giving away free stuff is a great way to get attention so long as the free thing isn’t worth more than the money-making entity can afford. For instance, a hooker offering free blow jobs if you promise to become a regular John would be a risky venture. She (or he) would just end up with a tired mouth and an empty wallet. Maybe if the old professional offered a free frisbee with purchase of a blow job… But now I’m just rambling.

And it doesn’t even have to be completely free. Any sort of discount is also good. I get the emails from Borders offering 15-40% for something when you spend $20. If I don’t delete it and try to forget, I will be in my car faster than the ink on the print-out coupon can dry. I don’t need any more books! I have so many on my list to read already that I wouldn’t get to any new books for nearly a year! But just the same, I need to all but restrain myself so I don’t spend money on a discounted book. And then I feel at a loss because I didn’t buy anything. No wonder stores do that crap: it works like a charm.

Or there are things that require a commitment of four to six years of your life and you get things in return like money for school or trips to the desert. This cornucopia of bonuses is called the military. The bonuses vary among the branches, ranging from a frisbee to a blow job (metaphorically speaking, of course), so choose wisely.

All that being said, all readers of Titty Tangents will now get a free subliminal message with every new post.