tittytangents.com

In my previous placeholder post, I mentioned that we had made a snowman. It was a sweet pirate snowman which we toiled over for quite some time. The next morning we looked forward to viewing our masterpiece in the glow of the morning sun, but instead of welling with pride, we were filled with rage.

Some asshole brutally wrecked our snowman. And while we had no hard proof leading to the identities of the culprits, circumstantial evidence threw heavy suspicion upon our neighbors’ teenage son. A 16 year-old and his friend got their rocks off kicking over a snowman. This kid’s been a little bastard since birth, and my brother and I have been around to see him grow into a superbly malicious young man. Even our mother– a typically forgiving woman– has on several occasions referred to him as the “devil’s son”. Back in the day I would just grab him, throw him into the shrubs separating our houses, and call it good. But we’re adults now. Revenge won’t be as simple as a whitewash or wedgie this time.

This means war.

And while I realize that by choosing to retaliate I will be sinking to his level, but I’m ok with that. I’m going to one-up that turd. It’ll be so deliciously ironic. He’s going to help me build a new snowman. At least that’s going to be the premise for a story I’m working on.

For anybody who isn’t familiar with Edgar Allen Poe or his story “The Cask of Amontillado”, I’ll summarize it for you. Narrator was fucked over by victim one too many times and the narrator decides to build a brick-and-mortar wall closing the victim inside a seldom-visited hall as his revenge. I’m going to get medieval on this kid’s ass and build a snowman around him. I’ll be binding his ankles together once I force him to sit cross-legged and tying his wrists together behind his back.  I’m not sure what method I’ll employ to make sure he doesn’t wiggle around while I’m hard at work, but rest assured it’ll keep that punk scared into submission. The whole creative process will be very cathartic for me. I’ll be a better person once he’s frozen solid and lost until spring when the snow melts.

Although I can’t promise I won’t shoot out his window with my BB gun or abduct him and leave him naked in Quebec with a French-English dictionary.